Still trying to get my act together
16/03/16 05:01
By some standards, I have lived a long and full life. I’m 62 years old and will turn 63 in three months. That’s older than my father was when he died. It is older than the woman at whose funeral I will officiate tomorrow. That is a good and gracious number of years. And I have had a wonderful life. I have not suffered discrimination or undue hardship. There have been some times of grief and some challenges that required a lot of me, but these pale in comparison to the trials suffered by many people. I have known privilege and freedom and the grace of a loving family.
But I can’t seem to get my act together.
Some theologians have said that one of Jesus’ core messages can be summed up in a simple piece of advice: “Do not worry.” The idea is expanded in Matthew 6:25-34:
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.
It sounds simple. And I have been a practicing Christian all of my life and have studied the Gospels faithfully and received an excellent theological education and have been privileged to serve amazing and wonderful congregations.
But I can’t seem to get the part about worrying right.
I lay awake for hours last night. And the things that were keeping me awake weren’t worthy of worry. Just like the scripture says, they were small things that could easily be left to God’s wisdom and do not require my action.
In the night I worried about a disagreement between my sisters. They are good people and there are easy ways to resolve the dispute. I worried about how to invite more open participation in congregational decisions. I work with people who care about listening to others and are not attempting to consolidate power. I don’t need to worry. Even if we don’t get every word of policy correct, the people involved are good and honest and will act faithfully. I worried that I haven’t done enough to promote Holy Week events. I don’t need to worry. Our faithfulness is not judged by the number of people who attend. Worship is worth doing even when numbers are small. I worried that some upcoming musical events won’t produce enough income to offset expenses. I don’t need to worry. The expenses are not a significant amount of money and there are good ways to keep things in balance.
I lay sleepless in bed and went through a group of mental and relaxation exercises. I’m fairly good at centering prayer and breath prayer and other techniques that free the mind from worry and allow the release of those petty thoughts that sometimes dominate. But I couldn’t make things work out last night. My mind seemed to defy control. It seemed to refuse simple relaxation.
Then, of course, I remembered some articles I have read about sleep deprivation and its effect on heart health. Recent studies have shown links between shortened sleep duration and increased risk of heart disease. So I allowed my mind to wander to my own health and began to worry that my sleeplessness was affecting my health and could cause a problem for my family and vocation, both of which deserve my careful stewardship of my health.
That has to be one of the silliest reasons to toss and turn in bed at night. I’m worried that I’m not sleeping enough and that is causing me to lose sleep. I may be aging and a bit less brilliant than was the case when I was younger, but even I can see that my thinking is convoluted and crazy.
“Just go to sleep!” I commanded myself. My brain, however, refused to cooperate.
“Ah!” I thought, “I know what I can do. I’ll think about a topic for tomorrow’s blog. That’ll take my mind off of the things that don’t matter that are keeping me from sleep.” I tried that for a while. I didn’t sleep. I did feel the urge to get up and start writing this blog.
Which, as I am sure any casual reader can tell, is a bit of nonsense that is barely worth reading and certainly not an important contribution to the thinking of others. In reality it is just another sign of my crazy thinking. Like I said, I’m nearly 63 years old and I can’t seem to get my act together.
In all of this there is a bit of good news. First of all, the ill effects of a lack of sleep are long term, not short term. The increased risk of heart disease from a lack of sleep is not something that shows up the next morning after a sleepless night, but rather the cumulative effect of long term patterns over decades.
Secondly, and most importantly, one of the best cures for insomnia is tiredness. If you get tired enough, eventually you will sleep. Based on the amount of sleep I got last night and the amount of work I need to accomplish today, tonight is looking good for sleep.
But I can’t seem to get my act together.
Some theologians have said that one of Jesus’ core messages can be summed up in a simple piece of advice: “Do not worry.” The idea is expanded in Matthew 6:25-34:
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.
It sounds simple. And I have been a practicing Christian all of my life and have studied the Gospels faithfully and received an excellent theological education and have been privileged to serve amazing and wonderful congregations.
But I can’t seem to get the part about worrying right.
I lay awake for hours last night. And the things that were keeping me awake weren’t worthy of worry. Just like the scripture says, they were small things that could easily be left to God’s wisdom and do not require my action.
In the night I worried about a disagreement between my sisters. They are good people and there are easy ways to resolve the dispute. I worried about how to invite more open participation in congregational decisions. I work with people who care about listening to others and are not attempting to consolidate power. I don’t need to worry. Even if we don’t get every word of policy correct, the people involved are good and honest and will act faithfully. I worried that I haven’t done enough to promote Holy Week events. I don’t need to worry. Our faithfulness is not judged by the number of people who attend. Worship is worth doing even when numbers are small. I worried that some upcoming musical events won’t produce enough income to offset expenses. I don’t need to worry. The expenses are not a significant amount of money and there are good ways to keep things in balance.
I lay sleepless in bed and went through a group of mental and relaxation exercises. I’m fairly good at centering prayer and breath prayer and other techniques that free the mind from worry and allow the release of those petty thoughts that sometimes dominate. But I couldn’t make things work out last night. My mind seemed to defy control. It seemed to refuse simple relaxation.
Then, of course, I remembered some articles I have read about sleep deprivation and its effect on heart health. Recent studies have shown links between shortened sleep duration and increased risk of heart disease. So I allowed my mind to wander to my own health and began to worry that my sleeplessness was affecting my health and could cause a problem for my family and vocation, both of which deserve my careful stewardship of my health.
That has to be one of the silliest reasons to toss and turn in bed at night. I’m worried that I’m not sleeping enough and that is causing me to lose sleep. I may be aging and a bit less brilliant than was the case when I was younger, but even I can see that my thinking is convoluted and crazy.
“Just go to sleep!” I commanded myself. My brain, however, refused to cooperate.
“Ah!” I thought, “I know what I can do. I’ll think about a topic for tomorrow’s blog. That’ll take my mind off of the things that don’t matter that are keeping me from sleep.” I tried that for a while. I didn’t sleep. I did feel the urge to get up and start writing this blog.
Which, as I am sure any casual reader can tell, is a bit of nonsense that is barely worth reading and certainly not an important contribution to the thinking of others. In reality it is just another sign of my crazy thinking. Like I said, I’m nearly 63 years old and I can’t seem to get my act together.
In all of this there is a bit of good news. First of all, the ill effects of a lack of sleep are long term, not short term. The increased risk of heart disease from a lack of sleep is not something that shows up the next morning after a sleepless night, but rather the cumulative effect of long term patterns over decades.
Secondly, and most importantly, one of the best cures for insomnia is tiredness. If you get tired enough, eventually you will sleep. Based on the amount of sleep I got last night and the amount of work I need to accomplish today, tonight is looking good for sleep.